I Never Was Good At...

Expressing my sorrow.  I didn't want to see you today because I don't like seeing people in such emotional pain, but I knew I had to.  I had some stuff to say, but nothing came out of my mouth.  What can I say or what should I say?  If I feel this much pain, I can only imagine the pain everyone else is feeling.  Here is what I had to say, but couldn't.  I'm sorry for your loss, I know this must be a hard time for you, but you can get through it.  If there's anything you need at all, we're all here for you.  I don't know what it is that made me unable to say these two simple sentences.  Maybe it was the fact that you were in better shape than I expected.  You were still focused, able to function, able to understand that he passed doing something he loved.  Maybe I didn't have to say anything because you've probably heard a lot by now.  I'm so sorry and I hope we can all help in the present and future....

Past Few Days

Thursday
Thursday was a really good day.  No homework, no work and just class from 6-9.  A really simple day with nothing to do.  After class I went to Blossom's house with Blossom, PHJ, Lucky, PIC, and BDK.  We had a pretty crazy session.  Lucky made a bong out of a water bottle, we also smoked out of pipe and blunts.  We had burritos ready to go from the taco truck and we watch Wilfred until 2 am.  Wilfred is such a pothead show.  It's about this guy and his dog, but he sees his dog as another person that acts like a dog.  They're both potheads together and its pretty hilarious.  Also it stars Elijah Wood...

Friday
I had work at both places on Friday, but both were pretty slow.  It was Princess Peachy's birthday celebration.  We went clubbing at this club called Vessel in San Francisco.  There was about 13 people in our group.  This is going to be a nameless and faceless night because that's kind of how I remember it.  I smoked a blunt with a couple of people before we went in.  When we got in we took some shots and hit the dance floor.  The night went by fast and I danced with a few girls in the group.  I normally wouldn't, but I was more "gone" than I should have been.  Alcohol can make people do crazy things.  There was these 2 people dancing near us.  They were friends of someone's coworker and they were just going crazy.  It was one girl and one guy.  The girl looked pretty conservative, but after some drinks she was just a Freaknasty slut on the dance floor.  She definitely couldn't control herself because half time she was on the floor and later she was just making out with the guy she was dancing with, who I later found out was not her boyfriend, because I thought he was.  I just thought that was pretty hilarious.  I got home around 4 and passed out.  It was a pretty good night...

Saturday
Saturday was a fairly long day.  Had work at 10 am, but the weather was gloomy so Tap Ex was very slow.  Right when I got off I had to work at Linguini's which was really busy.  I got off at 10 30 and went back to Tap Ex because Blossom and PHJ wanted to get drinks after work.  It was a pretty stressful day for all of us.  The store doesn't close until 12 so I smoked a blunt with Lucky while we waited.  I went to a Korean Bar in Oakland with Blossom, PHJ and BDK after they got off.  We got a pitcher of yogurt soju, some kim chee fried rice, tacos, and tofu.  Afterwards we smoked some more at Blossom's house. None of use had work the next day which is my favorite time to smoke, when there's no obligation afterwards.  I passed out at Blossom's until like 8 am.


Sunday
There was a Food Festival in Jack London and I went with Blossom, PHJ, BDK, Friend, and V.  The food there was pretty good.  They had stands all over the placed and most of the food was 5 dollars.  There was some crazy shit there though.  The food I ate wasn't too crazy, I had spicy pork, a citrus pork flat bread sandwich, spicy corndog, crepe, and beignet.  Blossom and Friend bought some crazy popsicles.  One was hibiscus, mint, and grape flavored which tasted kind of like the add-ons for pho.  The other popsicle was thai tea and sweet potato flavored which was pretty good.  They had a bacon and egg flavored popsicle, but they ran out and I was very sad, because that sounds ridiculous and I wanted to try it.  After the food festival, PHJ went home and I went to Emeryville with everyone else.  Me and Blossom had to buy a gift for Princess Peachy because her real birthday is on Tuesday.  We bought her a pea coat or something like that... Since we were already in Emeryville we decided to watch a movie.  We watched Killer Elite which I enjoyed.  It was kind of confusing, but I liked the action in it.  We went to California Pizza Kitchen for dinner.  I don't really like going out for pizza and pasta because I can just get it at work, but I had never been to CPK.  It was pretty good, I just had a sandwich and soup.  After dinner I went to the dinos, which is kind of like a big empty area that's kind of calm and an area we smoke at.  I went with most of my co workers from tap ex, BDK and a co worker from Linguini's, his name is JM.  We lit up a few blunts and smoked for a bit.  Of course we got hungry so we ended up going to King of Thai to eat.  I had salmon with green curry which was pretty good, but I prefer my usual pumpkin duck curry.  We called it a night and that pretty much sums up my weekend.  It was a pretty good weekend, for the most part...

Time to Relax

Summer is basically over and it's been fun.  Yesterday Vandal and Bum went back to LA and Irvine for school.  Chorean will also be back in Davis as well for school.  School started for GosuMike yesterday and everyone else pretty much went back to LA already or has started school or work.  It has been a long summer and I'm pretty worn out from all the late nights and early mornings.

For the next couple weeks I'm just going to lay low and relax for a bit.  I just bought a shit ton of weed and I am just going to smoke and chill for the next week or two.  I don't generally smoke, but it's a good feeling when you've had a long day and you just want to kick back.  It's been a long summer and I need a little bit of rest to recharge myself.  I'll still be going to the gym and of course I'll be working, but it's not as crazy when you're not staying out until 6 am almost every night.  I have today off which is nice and I don't even have homework to do which is even better....

After I rest for a bit, it's back to business.  Work is a given, but it's time to start studying for school, hit the gym harder, possibly play more basketball, and maybe even start my diet again.  I've been lazy this summer and also shortening my workouts.  My goal was to lose 8-10 more pounds which I haven't.  I've stayed exactly the same weight all summer, which isn't too bad considering how little I've worked out and how bad my diet has been.  It's going to be a good 2 weeks... and an even better few months going forward.

Addiction

Let's talk about addictions....  I think we can all agree that addictions are bad no matter what it is or how harmless it seems.  It starts out small, something that you just do for fun and then it grows like wildfire.  You can't control it, you think about it, and you crave it.  I'd have to say I've been addicted to many things in my life, but surprisingly never drugs or alcohol.  Being an avid player of games I would say that I was addicted to a few games in my life.  The biggest probably being Halo 2.  I was in high school when it came out and it became my life.  There were many times when my parents caught me playing when I was supposed to be studying or at 6 am when I was supposed to be sleeping.  It was so bad that they had to take my power chord away from me so I couldn't even use my xbox.  I don't even know how or why I stopped playing... It was probably because Halo 3 came out or something like that...

Now to the biggest addiction of my life.  Some of you know about it, but most of you don't know how big it really was.  A few years ago I started playing a game called poker.  I didn't play too much until I started going to Davis because when I was in Davis, it was basically just me and my girlfriend at the time, Felicity.  The two things I cared most about in my life were her and poker.  She couldn't even get me to stop playing, no matter what.  It was just one of those things that started out for fun too, but it consumed me.  I played all the time, I didn't study, I didn't go to class, I didn't want to eat...  It was everything to me and it even controlled my mood.  There were times when I just felt invincible.... winning as much as 3,000 dollars in a night and times when I would just feel like shit losing similar amounts in a night.  It was an uncontrollable hunger and I even knew it was bad for me.  I just couldn't stop myself and at the end of the day, I withdrew from college, lost my girlfriend, and lost money in the area of roughly five digits....  It pretty much destroyed my life and that's what it took for me to quit.  It's going to take some time to rebuild myself, but I've started....

If you have an addiction, you have to fight it...  This is something I take very seriously because it happened to me.  You have to realize just how bad it is before it destroys you.  It will eat at you, control you, hurt you...  If your friend's advice hasn't helped you, then maybe telling you my story will... Even if it's just a little. 

Bad Couples

Let's talk about bad couples because I know a few.  I'm not talking about odd couples because I know a few of those too.  Odd couples make look a little weird and act a little differently than your average couple, but at the end of the day they are happy and fine.  That's all that really matters...  Bad couples on the other hand...  They just bother me so much.  Why would you be with someone who consistently doesn't listen, doesn't care about shit you do and frustrates you?  I mean it's fine to fight... but to be constantly frustrated.  What makes it worth the fight?  What does your significant other do for you now that is going to make you happy later?  If they haven't changed by now, what makes you think they will change anytime soon?  There's almost always a better option, but in this case there could be so many better options.  YOU JUST DON'T WORK!  I'm just saying, you could do better... A lot better...  I just hope some of you figure it out sooner or later because the only person who is going to be hurt is you...

Day Off

My day began around noon when I woke up.  I didn't have much to do for the day because well, I had to do homework....  I'm a huge procrastinator and homework takes forever.  So I started doing homework and this girl facebook messaged me.  I didn't know who it was and she didn't know me either, but apparently facebook suggested me as a friend and I accepted her request.  We actually talked for about an hour about random stuff.  She eventually left and I went to Tapioca Express to pick up my paycheck.

I wanted to get my paycheck before my boss left because I was supposed to get a raise a month ago, but he forgot.  I was happy to find out that he did give me a raise.  It just so happened that the girl I have a crush on was getting off at that time and wanted to cash her check.  She asked me to walk with her so I agreed.  We went to AHS first because she wanted to volunteer at the high school once a week.  Then we went to Longs because she needed a money order and then we finally went to the bank to cash her check.  Then we went to a shoe store called district and she bought a pair of vans.  She was very happy to get her pair of shoes and seeing her happy makes me smile.  She just has that kind of affect on people I feel.  I was kind of hungry so I went to this place I like called Scolari's.  I love this place because the specials change everyday and the food is really good there.  Today I got lamb sliders and a slice of banana, chicken, curry pizza and they were both pretty awesome.  After lunch I really had to get my homework done so I went home.

Homework took me a couple more hours and it sucked.  I barely finished and I rushed to school.  I was late like I usually am and class was boring was fuck as it usually is.  The first 2 hours were going over the homework and I just left after that.  I stopped by Bum's house, played a game of Starcraft 2 and went home.  When I got home, the girl started talking to me again.  She asked what I wanted to talk about which was really weird, but she was pretty cool.  She seems really social to be talking to a random stranger....

After that I got ready to go to the gym and I went with GosuMike.  We worked out our chest and triceps.  I'm actually kind of proud of him.  Hes gotten a lot stronger than he used to be and he's more focused.  After the gym we went back to Bum's house.  Vandal, BB, and Bum were already watching Sherlock Holmes.  GosuMike went home because he had work at 5 am, but Me, BB, Bum, and Vandal played this card game called Sequence.  We played like 10 games and they went by incredibly quick.  BB left and I started talking with Bum and Vandal.  It wasn't our usual talk though,  We talked about friendships, trust, girls, etc.  It was kind of an odd day altogether, but interesting....

Rough Weekend

It all started Friday when I went into work.  I worked at Tapioca Express from 10-1.  It is a very short shift and easy, but there are some factors I need to tell you about.  I am not a morning person, I haven't been getting much sleep (which is my choice because I would rather spend time with my friends before to go off to school again), and my co worker left some shit undone.  It wasn't that much stuff, but the stuff he left undone, I happened to need.  I fucking snapped and I posted on his facebook wall about how useless he was and that he needed to do a better job.  He texted me trying to defend himself, but I was too angry and his excuses were lame as fuck.  I had work later that night which wasn't too bad.

I was not looking forward to Saturday because I had work pretty much all day.  I had to work at 10 again.  Our register at Tapioca Express has been down for a week and it's annoying.  We have to do all the math and write down everyone's receipts for them and only "shift managers" can be on register.  So I was on the register all day and it was crazy busy.  PHJ had to make all the drinks and she was not happy with me.  She yelled at me because my handwriting is bad, which is true, it's fucking awful....  Well anyways it was tiring and when my lazy co worker came in, I acted normal.  I slowly finished my work and when I got off, I yelled at him.  I told him and showed him all the shit he didn't do and that he needs to be doing this stuff.  He just said okay and I went to work at Linguini's  Linguini's was really busy, but I made a pretty good amount of tips so I was happy about that.

After work we had a going away party for our hostess.  She had been there 4 years and she was leaving to become a police dispatcher.  There was free pizza, pasta, chicken wings, salad, all you can drink beers and wine.  It was pretty cool of my boss to throw the party and be so generous about it.  I don't drink beer or wine so I took some shots of Remy Martin with some of the servers.  I can't believe how delicious it was....  Remy Martin is kind of expensive and our boss cut us off, which is understandable...  After the party I went to the gym with GosuMike at like 2 30 AM and it wasn't very good because we were both tired.

Sunday was a great day.  The NFL season has started, which I am really excited about.  I play fantasy football with my friends every year and always bet with Vandal and GosuMike.  I played GosuMike in week 1 and I was losing pretty badly, but he was talking shit so I made a bet with him on week 1.  Just a friendly 5 bucks, but I felt like my team still had a chance to comeback, which it did and GosuMike looked like a chobo.  We played basketball that day and it was kinda lazy and laidback.

After basketball we went to eat this Korean food called chan jung myun or something like that.  Some sort of black bean noodle that my friends wanted to eat.  I ate with Bum, GosuMike, MooMoo, DP, and Ecoli.  They all ordered the noodle thing, but I ordered fried beef and chicken with sweet and sour pineapple sauce.  It was pretty good.

On Monday I worked the morning with Fluffy, who is the coworker I yelled at.  I could tell he was scared of me and I felt bad.  His voice is soft, but it was even weaker than usual.  He kept his distance, even doing work he doesn't usually do.  I bought him lunch because I felt bad.  Monday night I didn't have work, which meant we were going out to eat.  Hob Nob had one dollar mini cheese burgers which is something alot of us like.  I went with Ecoli, MooMoo, Bum and GosuMike.  We had 20 mini cheeseburgers, garlic fries, truffle fries and a couple of drinks.  We went to Bum's house, played a bunch of board games and called it a night.

Today I worked at Tapioca Express in the morning again.  I worked with Blossom, who is one of my favorite people to work with.  Work was pretty easy and carefree.  My coworker, who I have a huge crush on, came in which was a surprise.  She asked me to eat lunch and we went to this all you can eat Indian place, which was good.  I like their lamb and this bread that goes well with basically everything.  We talked about games, life, work and it was just a simple lunch.  She's so easy to get along with and we have so much in common its ridiculous.  The only thing I don't like about her and it doesn't even bother me that much is that she smokes.  She's pretty much the girl of my dreams and if I were to ever meet a girl just like her who didn't smoke, that girl would be perfect...

Fight Club

I wish I knew of a place where I could just go and fight.  A place where I can get rid of my aggression and anger.  Some days I just want to start a fight with someone.  For me, it's not about winning or losing, but letting it all go.  I am not an angry person, but I have been in the past.  It is very rare for me to actually be disgusted, bothered and angered by someone.  Lately though, it's slowly coming back to me.  I seriously want to use my rage because it's building up and not going away.  You're actually very lucky that my brain is very rational, but there might be a day where I can't just control myself and when that day comes... You better be ready to defend yourself.

Put it on Replay

I've said before that my a lot of my motivation comes from music.  I am easily amused and I get addicted to things extremely easily, especially music.  I usually listen to a few songs and just put them on replay.  Lately I've been listening to Fly by Rihanna/Nicki Minaj and Without you by Usher/David Guetta.  Of course many of us listen to music because we feel we can relate to it and it's the same for me.  I mean they are mostly about life and experience which is kind of why I love it so much.  Music is the one thing I will never get tired of, I am easily influenced and there is so much music out there...  Without it I would probably go even more insane than I already am...

On a side note:

Today was my first day off since August 15th and I used it to do homework.  Now I remember why I have no care for school and why I hate it so much.  I think this is one thing I hate about society.  It's so close minded and degrees are overemphasized.  I'm not going to lie, I have a huge ego and I believe that I am way smarter than the majority of the people in society today.  I'm just lazy when it comes to school, it's just not important to me.  I went to class today, but I fell asleep and left early.  Fuck that class....

After class I went to shoot around with Lancelot, Bum, and my long childhood friend and neighbor, I'll call her DG (DunnoGirl).  She beat us all at a game of HORSE and we were all sad about it.  After that I went to the gym with GosuMike.  I worked out shoulders, but I was pretty lazy.  He did shoulders and biceps, but he wasn't much better...  What I really wanted to do was play basketball with my new shoes.  We played 5 games of 3v3 and won 4 of them, but the one game we lost, we lost 16-0...  I want to be more athletic so my new focus will be cleans and snatches. 

After the gym I came home and put my songs on replay....

Nothing Lasts Forever

A few days ago, my friend Gamer made a post about how nothing lasts forever.  It's mainly about friendships and it is very sad to read.  As much as I hate this post, thought about it, and want to disagree with it... I can't.  It's true that these types of things are pretty impossible to sustain "forever".  I would love for my group of friends to last forever, but it is improbable...  I would have to say we've done a pretty good job sticking together.  I mean over the years our circle has grown smaller and even now we're not as close as we used to be.  We are fairly disconnected during the school year, but when summer comes we all see each other pretty often which is a good thing.  Now that some of them are graduated and have jobs, it's tough to say where we will go from here.

When friends disconnect, it's no one's fault...  It just kind of happens and it's a natural way of life.  We're meant to meet someone special, start a family, and focus on our careers right?  This is just growing up and it hurts to know that this is the inevitable.  I've gone this far with you guys, some a little longer, and some not so long.  I do feel like some of you will be in my life for a  very long time and I hope it's true.  Anything can happen in life and maybe we can stick together.  Cheers to what we've done together so far and hopefully we can continue being together.  You are all the people I want to spend my life with and I hope I can.  

Long Day

My coworker at Tapioca Express, I'll call him Le Gu, went to China for 3 months.  He came back on Labor Day, but went to sleep at 6 pm.  He woke up around 3 or 4 am and I happened to be awake at that time  We both decided we were hungry and went to Jack in the Box around 5.  We sat in my car and ate until 6.  We chilled and talked, but I had to go home since I had work at 10.

My boss texted me just before 10 telling me that we might not have a cash register for the day because the system was fucked up.  When I got to work the cash register was gone and my boss said we were opening at 12.  Working with no cash register kind of sucked because we had to write all the receipts by hand and figure out prices plus tax whenever someone would order something.  Luckily it wasn't too busy so I didn't get too flustered or frustrated.

After work I went home and my shoes came!  I ordered new basketball shoes last week and I've been waiting.  They are Kobe VI's and it has just been torture waiting for this day.  It was perfect timing too because GosuMike and people from his basketball league have been playing at this gym in Berkeley every Tuesday.  Me and Bum went with GosuMike to play.  Most of the people are a lot better than me, but that's okay.  It's the only for me to get better and improve on my game.  I didn't do too bad, but I did make some really poor mistakes which I need to get rid of.  It was still pretty fun and the only bad thing was I rolled my ankle.  It doesn't feel too bad right now, but I have a feeling it's going to be really sore in the morning.

After basketball we went to eat with Blossom, PHJ, and BDK.  We went to King of Thai and I had my favorite dish there, pumpkin duck curry.  I order pumpkin curry pretty much every time I go there.  After we ate I went to Bum's house to watch some Beast Wars.  It's been a pretty long and tiring day, I need to  get some rest for work tomorrow.

The List

Here's my list. Seriously.

Pros: Nice, Caring, Generous, Easy Going, Social, Decisive when I need to be, Funny, Smart, Athletic, Social, Honest

Cons:  Lazy, Arrogant, Overly Competitive, Rude, Insensitive, Blunt, Joking around too much, Impatient, Loud

Better Than Old Times

To start this story I have to go back to last Wednesday night.  On Wednesday we have buy one get one free at Tap Ex and I was working.  I saw a girl I hadn't seen in 5 years.  I'll call her Bee, she's the same age as me, but a grade higher because she skipped.  She is a cute, very smart, and funny Cambodian girl and she went to San Diego for school.  She now lives somewhere else in Southern California, but she just happened to be back for a week.  We talked for a little bit and caught up.  Then I saw her again on Friday night at the gym.  I almost ran her over in the parking lot, because I was in a rush or something like that.  My bad. 

On Sunday she happened to be eating lunch with PHJ next to Tap Ex while I was working.  They said they were going shopping and Blossom was also going with them.  I needed jeans so I asked if I could come along too.  After work I went to Westfield mall in SF with PHJ, Bee, Blossom, and Blossom's best friend (I'll just call her Friend).  We went to this hat place I had never heard of called LIDS.  Bee bought a red and black SF hat.  PHJ bought a Green Lantern hat for Bum and it looks awesome.  I really wanted a Flash hat, but they didn't have it and I had one of those delusional moments where I just wanted a hat.  I tried buying a Transformers hat, but the Salesman, Bee and PHJ said it just wasn't happening....  Afterwards we went to look for jeans at some stores, but apparently I look awful in all jeans.  We did find out my size though, which is a good start. 

After shopping we went to this chinese restaurant in San Bruno called Fat Wong's Kitchen.  I sat next to Bee and I think it's kinda crazy how friends can just be friends after so long.  I don't recall that much of high school and I don't remember how close I was to her, but she is so nice and easy to get along with.  It's just crazy.  We didn't keep in touch at all after high school and that was no one's fault.  It just kind of happens, but I think she would be a friend that I really miss after today.  I should keep in touch this time around because she is a really cool person.  She even gave me relationship advice at dinner.

After dinner we wanted to go to this place called Dessert Republic in San Mateo.  PHJ almost ran straight into a curb and some of our lives flashed before our eyes.  It was okay because now we all have a story to tell.  At Dessert Republic I ate a Mango Lychee Crepe and it was delicious.  The day was kind of spooky, like we were even better friends than we ever were.  Maybe I just don't remember high school that well...

Blossom, Friend, and Bee went home after dessert, but me and PHJ went to DP's house.  We were celebrating Bum and BB's birthdays.  Most of the group was there, DP, Bum, Lancelot, BB, PHJ, MooMoo, GosuMike, Ecoli, Gamer, and this guy who always comes late to the party, I'll just call him Bear.  I didn't drink too much because I didn't wanna go too crazy, but MooMoo was having a good time.  He was dancing and rapping and it was hilarious.  GosuMike was hitting people and telling us he couldn't control himself...  Here is when shit got ridiculous.  We got MooMoo to take off his shirt and I took it and threw it down a hallway, but for some reason MooMoo and GosuMike ran after it and bumped into a glass cabinet with wooden doors.  The glass shattered and the cabinet door came off.  Soon after, MooMoo started puking on DP's floor and it looked noodley and nasty.  We got MooMoo to a bathroom and he puked and chilled for a couple hours.  Eventually we all kind of passed out and woke up around 11.  I got home around noon and my parents weren't too happy with me.

It was a great day, even better than old times.

Straight Cash Homie

Today was a pretty good day.  It was BB's birthday, he turned 22 so happy birthday to him.  He is now as old as he is tall (hella tall).  I only worked 3 hours which was really easy.  After work I played basketball with some of the friends, but I was kind of tired.  After basketball I went to class which was really boring and well it sucked...  BB and Gamer bought me a red Flash t-shirt which is awesome because The Flash is my favorite superhero.  Thanks guys.

I got paid today from Tapioca Express and last Friday from Linguini's.  Last Monday was my birthday and alot of the gifts I got were money.  I haven't had time to go to the bank so I have a few checks and money lying around.  My shoes are coming in soon which I am super excited for.  My Flash T-shirt is still fucking amazing.  Today I just feel like straight cash homie.

Trust Issues

We all have secrets, some of them well hidden and some not so well.  It really just depends on the person and how much they want to keep hidden.  Some of my friends have some serious trust issues.  I would say it's understandable just because there's so little to gain and so much to lose.  Why would you want to let something out that can grow into something ridiculous?  Once you say something and it's out there, there's a chance it will spread like wildfire.  I would have to say that some of my friends, I know nothing about them.  It's like they locked themselves in a cell and threw away the key.  I don't really know about their thoughts, their dreams, their emotions.  I can only know from what I observe and how I interpret those observations.  It's okay though, I can relate and understand why they don't want people to know their secrets.  Maybe someday they will trust enough to tell their friends something.

For myself, I think I'm pretty trusting.  I didn't used to be, I never used to tell people anything about my life.  I don't really know what changed either, I just am okay with telling people about my life these days.  Somethings I don't like to talk about, but if my friends really wanted to know, I would tell them.  Trust issues are tough to get over, but if you can tell people about yourself, you can get closer to them.  I don't want to tell you what it's like to tell a secret to someone because everyone reacts differently, but for me it was like I wasn't alone anymore.  There's other people I can tell, share my pain, my love, my joy, my everything with.  I'm always here to listen if you guys want to talk and if you don't believe I'm a trusting person, then ask me anything... My life is an open book for you to read, a T.V. to watch, an Ipod to listen to...